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{ "episode": { "guest": "Carole Robin", "expertise_tags": [ "Interpersonal Dynamics", "Leadership Development", "Relationship Building", "Feedback Communication", "Organizational Culture", "Executive Coaching" ], "summary": "Carole Robin, former Stanford GSB instructor and founder of Leaders in Tech nonprofit, shares decades of expertise on building robust relationships and becoming more effective leaders. The episode covers the science and practice of interpersonal competence, including vulnerability, disclosure, feedback frameworks, mental models, and conflict resolution. Robin emphasizes that business success depends fundamentally on relationship quality, and that appropriate vulnerability—not robotic professionalism—drives sustainable leadership impact. Her evidence-based frameworks provide practical tools for transforming how professionals connect with colleagues, reports, and peers.", "key_frameworks": [ "The 15% Rule: Progressive disclosure just beyond comfort zone", "Three Realities: Intent, Behavior, Impact as distinct domains", "Feedback Formula: When you do [behavior], I feel [emotion], and I'm telling you because [purpose/outcome]", "Inquiry vs Advice: Questions starting with what/when/where/how, avoiding why", "AFOG: Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth", "Six Characteristics of Exceptional Relationships: Being known, knowing others, trust, honesty, conflict resolution, commitment to growth", "Pinch before Crunch: Address small irritants early before they escalate" ] }, "topics": [ { "id": "topic_1", "title": "Introduction and Impact of Carole Robin's Teaching", "summary": "Lenny introduces Carole Robin and her legendary Stanford course on interpersonal dynamics, nicknamed 'Touchy Feely.' Discusses the transformative impact students report, including saved marriages, career advancement to CEO, and people feeling their entire college tuition was justified by this one course.", "timestamp_start": "00:00:00", "timestamp_end": "00:05:43", "line_start": 1, "line_end": 55 }, { "id": "topic_2", "title": "What Are Robust and Meaningful Relationships", "summary": "Carole explains the relationship continuum from contact without connection to exceptional relationships. Defines robust relationships as having functional qualities and exceptional relationships as having particular characteristics. Emphasizes that not all relationships need to be exceptional, but that basic relationship skills help move people from dysfunction to at least functional.", "timestamp_start": "00:06:05", "timestamp_end": "00:08:23", "line_start": 58, "line_end": 72 }, { "id": "topic_3", "title": "The Interpersonal Dynamics Course Structure and Philosophy", "summary": "Carole describes how the Stanford course teaches interpersonal competence through experiential learning in small T-groups rather than lectures alone. Explains the course philosophy that business success depends on interpersonal competence, not just ideas or products, and that leaders must understand why people should follow them.", "timestamp_start": "00:10:38", "timestamp_end": "00:13:27", "line_start": 82, "line_end": 105 }, { "id": "topic_4", "title": "Experiential Learning: The Pair Exercise and Progressive Disclosure", "summary": "Carole shares an example of a core classroom exercise where students pair up for 10 minutes to 'allow the other person to get to know you,' then debrief about their choices: whether to disclose or ask questions, how to respond. Second conversation emphasizes disclosure and relationship building. Introduces the concept that disclosure and vulnerability are reciprocal and essential to deeper connection.", "timestamp_start": "00:13:45", "timestamp_end": "00:17:18", "line_start": 109, "line_end": 120 }, { "id": "topic_5", "title": "Leaders in Tech Program and Accessibility", "summary": "Carole describes the Leaders in Tech nonprofit founded in January 2018 with multiple programs: a 10-month Fellows Program for founders, and a 4-day experiential retreat open to any tech manager. Explains that the book 'Connect' provides entry point but requires active engagement with exercises. Provides website and application information.", "timestamp_start": "00:17:47", "timestamp_end": "00:21:27", "line_start": 124, "line_end": 162 }, { "id": "topic_6", "title": "Progressive Disclosure and The 15% Rule", "summary": "Carole introduces the core concept of progressive disclosure as a way to deepen relationships through vulnerability and reciprocal sharing. Explains the 15% Rule: stepping just outside your comfort zone (15% beyond current boundaries) allows learning and deeper connection without triggering the danger zone. Discusses that this applies to both relationship building and feedback.", "timestamp_start": "00:21:46", "timestamp_end": "00:24:27", "line_start": 166, "line_end": 174 }, { "id": "topic_7", "title": "Appropriate vs Inappropriate Vulnerability and Disclosure", "summary": "Carole explains the distinction between disclosure (sharing information) and appropriate vs inappropriate vulnerability in leadership. Uses example of VP of marketing admitting lost market share honestly versus showing weakness. Discusses how leaders were socialized to hide feelings but that suppressing feelings makes inspiration and motivation impossible.", "timestamp_start": "00:24:38", "timestamp_end": "00:27:15", "line_start": 178, "line_end": 185 }, { "id": "topic_8", "title": "The Power and Paradox of Leadership Vulnerability", "summary": "Carole shares her personal 1975 story as a sales engineer in industrial automation, the first woman in a non-clerical role, where she suppressed emotion for 10 years. Describes a pivotal moment when a colleague asked 'Are you human after all?' after seeing her cry, which led to two days of authentic team conversation and transformed her into a real leader.", "timestamp_start": "00:27:15", "timestamp_end": "00:29:40", "line_start": 185, "line_end": 195 }, { "id": "topic_9", "title": "Building the Vulnerability Muscle Through Practical Steps", "summary": "Carole provides concrete advice for practicing vulnerability: admit mistakes openly, share what's going on with regard to feelings, develop a feelings vocabulary. Uses example of ziplining story to show how feelings give meaning to facts. Emphasizes this is 'Touchy-Feely' with emphasis on feely, and that feelings vocabulary is critical tool provided to all program participants.", "timestamp_start": "00:29:54", "timestamp_end": "00:32:15", "line_start": 199, "line_end": 207 }, { "id": "topic_10", "title": "Mental Models: How Early Beliefs Limit Adult Potential", "summary": "Carole explains that people develop mental models early in careers that serve them initially but then over-serve them and become liabilities. Example: 'leave feelings in parking lot' mental model. Discusses how mental models are grooved and require new experiences to update. Leaders must model willingness to question and update their own beliefs.", "timestamp_start": "00:36:46", "timestamp_end": "00:38:59", "line_start": 220, "line_end": 228 }, { "id": "topic_11", "title": "Common Limiting Mental Models in Professional Settings", "summary": "Carole identifies tried-and-true limiting mental models: (1) 'If I disclose, you'll take advantage of me or think I'm weak,' (2) 'Giving feedback ruins relationships,' (3) 'Small irritations aren't worth mentioning.' Explains these often stem from past negative experiences but become overgeneralized. Introduces concept of thinking in dials, not switches—progressive rather than binary.", "timestamp_start": "00:39:17", "timestamp_end": "00:41:29", "line_start": 232, "line_end": 238 }, { "id": "topic_12", "title": "The Pinch-Before-Crunch Framework for Small Issues", "summary": "Carole explains the mental model that small irritations aren't worth addressing, but this actually ensures irritation grows. Introduces 'pinch before it becomes a crunch' principle: address small issues early while they're manageable. Uses pronoun substitution exercise to make implicit worth explicit—'I'm not worth it, you're not worth it, we're not worth it'—to test whether issues deserve raising.", "timestamp_start": "00:42:01", "timestamp_end": "00:42:56", "line_start": 241, "line_end": 252 }, { "id": "topic_13", "title": "The Three Realities Framework: Foundation for Feedback", "summary": "Carole introduces the fundamental Three Realities framework: Reality 1 is my intent/beliefs/history, Reality 2 is my behavior (verbal/nonverbal), Reality 3 is your experience/impact. Explains that we're only privy to two of the three realities—we know #1 and #2, they know #2 and #3. The net metaphor: 'Stay on your side of the net' means only discussing the realities you actually know.", "timestamp_start": "00:44:03", "timestamp_end": "00:45:09", "line_start": 262, "line_end": 267 }, { "id": "topic_14", "title": "How the Net Metaphor Works: Marital Example", "summary": "Carole shares detailed example of coming home and trying to tell husband about nursery school crisis. Demonstrates how 'I feel you don't care' and 'you're being insensitive' are actually attributions/labels over the net, not true feelings. Shows correct approach: 'When you do X behavior, I feel Y emotion, because Z outcome.' Husband's request for unwinding time is reasonable outcome of proper feedback.", "timestamp_start": "00:46:28", "timestamp_end": "00:49:11", "line_start": 268, "line_end": 279 }, { "id": "topic_15", "title": "The Feedback Formula and Nonviolent Communication", "summary": "Carole provides the universal feedback formula: 'When you do [insert specific behavior], I feel [pull from feelings vocabulary], and I'm telling you this because [purpose/desired outcome].' Explains this is similar to Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication but Carole's course predates that work. Formula prevents defensiveness and moves toward problem-solving rather than blame.", "timestamp_start": "00:50:14", "timestamp_end": "00:50:42", "line_start": 281, "line_end": 305 }, { "id": "topic_16", "title": "Avoiding Over-the-Net Communication: Labels and Attributions", "summary": "Carole emphasizes critical principle: 'I feel that you don't care' and 'I feel you're being insensitive' are NOT feelings—they're attributions and imputed motives that go over the net and trigger defensiveness. Correct approach focuses on specific observable behaviors and genuine emotions. Hack: if you can't say 'I feel sad/angry/hurt' grammatically after 'I feel,' you're over the net.", "timestamp_start": "00:47:18", "timestamp_end": "00:48:13", "line_start": 271, "line_end": 276 }, { "id": "topic_17", "title": "Practical Workplace Feedback Example: Meeting Dynamics", "summary": "Carole provides detailed workplace example of giving constructive feedback. Manager interrupts team members repeatedly despite saying he wants to hear from everyone. Rather than calling him out in meeting, she addresses privately: 'When you interrupted me X times after saying you wanted to hear from everyone, I felt shut down and less inclined to contribute. I'm telling you because your stated goal was to hear from everybody and you didn't achieve it.'", "timestamp_start": "00:55:03", "timestamp_end": "00:57:52", "line_start": 358, "line_end": 369 }, { "id": "topic_18", "title": "Why Feedback Builds Relationships and the Two Antennae", "summary": "Carole explains feedback builds relationships when it comes from a place of care—the other person recognizes you took personal discomfort to tell them something for their benefit. Introduces two antennae concept: internal antenna tracking what's happening for you, external antenna picking up signals on what's happening for others. Developing these antennae is core interpersonal competence.", "timestamp_start": "00:58:14", "timestamp_end": "00:59:06", "line_start": 370, "line_end": 376 }, { "id": "topic_19", "title": "The Art of Inquiry: Asking Questions to Learn", "summary": "Carole explains inquiry as true curiosity (quest = search for unknown), not confirming hypotheses. Requires suspending judgment. Most powerful questions start with what/when/where/how; avoid why (which makes people defensive). Yes/no questions are limiting. True inquiry is willing not to know the answer and genuinely seeking to understand the other person's reality.", "timestamp_start": "00:59:06", "timestamp_end": "01:01:14", "line_start": 376, "line_end": 381 }, { "id": "topic_20", "title": "People Can Change: Growth Mindset and Behavior Modification", "summary": "Carole emphasizes everyone can change their behavior, though personality is innate. References Carol Dweck's Mindset concept and adding 'yet' to reframe beliefs. Personal example: as extrovert, she had to discipline herself to speak less so others could speak more, motivated by desire to learn from them. Rejects 'I can't' and insists on acknowledging choice when someone says they can't change behavior.", "timestamp_start": "01:01:35", "timestamp_end": "01:03:25", "line_start": 385, "line_end": 390 }, { "id": "topic_21", "title": "The Repair Process: When Feedback Goes Sideways", "summary": "Carole explains that even with perfect skills, sometimes feedback triggers defensiveness—then repair becomes critical. Most powerful repair question: 'What did you hear me say?' when someone reacts unexpectedly. Nine times out of ten, they heard something different than what was said. Sharing 25-year example with husband about offering help differently: repair is about understanding impact and trying again.", "timestamp_start": "01:03:43", "timestamp_end": "01:06:56", "line_start": 394, "line_end": 404 }, { "id": "topic_22", "title": "Behavioral Specificity: Why Labels Create Defensiveness", "summary": "Carole emphasizes that labels like 'rude,' 'self-involved,' 'insensitive' are not behaviorally specific and guarantee defensiveness. Instead, describe what actually happened: 'I was interrupted three times' is much less likely to trigger defensiveness than 'You're rude.' Demonstrates how being specific about behavior stays on your side of the net and keeps focus on changeable actions.", "timestamp_start": "01:06:04", "timestamp_end": "01:07:34", "line_start": 400, "line_end": 410 }, { "id": "topic_23", "title": "Classroom Exercises: Role-Play Practice in Trio Format", "summary": "Carole describes trio exercise used in Leaders in Tech: one person describes feedback they want to give (behavior, feeling, desired outcome), she becomes them while they play their difficult person, third person observes for staying on side of net. Common feedback mistake: 'I feel that' or 'I feel like'—which are grammatically impossible with actual feelings, almost guarantees going over the net.", "timestamp_start": "01:07:57", "timestamp_end": "01:10:28", "line_start": 415, "line_end": 424 }, { "id": "topic_24", "title": "Why Advice Hinders Relationships and Empowers Dependency", "summary": "Carole explains leaders often believe they must have all answers, but this is unproductive mental model. A leader's job is ensuring best answer is found, not necessarily providing it. Advice creates power differentials and enables powerlessness. Better approach: be thought partners exploring options together, so person develops capability rather than becoming dependent on leader's solutions.", "timestamp_start": "01:10:49", "timestamp_end": "01:13:03", "line_start": 433, "line_end": 441 }, { "id": "topic_25", "title": "Keeping Monkeys Off Your Back: Delegation and Development", "summary": "Carole connects her advice principle to Harvard Business Review 'monkeys on your back' concept: as manager, job is keeping monkeys on reports' backs, not taking them. When you always give answers, you enable powerlessness and stunt growth. Instead, ask questions and let people figure it out so they eventually develop independent judgment about right answers.", "timestamp_start": "01:13:09", "timestamp_end": "01:14:20", "line_start": 445, "line_end": 458 }, { "id": "topic_26", "title": "Inquiry Before Advice in Friendships and Personal Relationships", "summary": "Carole explains that power dynamics around advice happen in friendship too. Rule: don't give advice unless asked. Even when asked, explore first with questions before jumping to advice: What have you thought about? How have you approached it? Where are you stuck? Often people realize midway through exploration that they already know their answer or the real issue is different than initial concern.", "timestamp_start": "01:14:20", "timestamp_end": "01:15:58", "line_start": 458, "line_end": 470 }, { "id": "topic_27", "title": "AFOG: Reframing Failure as Growth Opportunity", "summary": "Carole introduces AFOG (Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth) as mindset for processing failures and setbacks. Rather than seeing failure as end of world, it's a learning opportunity. Key question: 'So what did you learn?' Every student/client/participant learns this acronym. AFOG puts failures in perspective—some more painful than others, most recoverable if person invests energy in extracting lessons.", "timestamp_start": "01:17:02", "timestamp_end": "01:18:35", "line_start": 476, "line_end": 495 }, { "id": "topic_28", "title": "Six Characteristics of Exceptional Relationships", "summary": "Carole presents the six characteristics that define exceptional relationships and mark progress along the continuum: (1) I'm better known by you, (2) I know you better, (3) We trust disclosures won't be used against us, (4) We can be honest with each other, (5) We can resolve conflict productively, (6) We're committed to each other's learning and growth. Each characteristic has associated skills to develop.", "timestamp_start": "01:18:57", "timestamp_end": "01:20:15", "line_start": 505, "line_end": 512 }, { "id": "topic_29", "title": "Overarching Themes: Being a Work in Progress and Questioning Mental Models", "summary": "Carole identifies two critical themes: (1) Everyone is a work in progress, so every relationship is too—what worked two years ago may not work now. (2) Becoming aware of mental models driving choices. Every behavior has a choice behind it, and every choice has a belief. Work backwards from results to behavior to choice to mental model to understand yourself and others.", "timestamp_start": "01:20:28", "timestamp_end": "01:21:36", "line_start": 517, "line_end": 519 }, { "id": "topic_30", "title": "Long COVID Journey: Living the Lessons and Acceptance", "summary": "Carole shares her near-2-year experience with Long COVID. Has leveraged this to practice her own teachings: ensuring organization isn't dependent on her by delegating responsibilities, teaching that worst thing leader can do is make organization dependent. Finding opportunity in acceptance—not resignation but chance to rethink and reframe. Long COVID has made her more empathetic and reinforced that you never know what's going on for someone else.", "timestamp_start": "01:21:54", "timestamp_end": "01:24:26", "line_start": 523, "line_end": 531 } ], "insights": [ { "id": "insight_1", "text": "People do business with people, not ideas, products, machines, tactics, or strategies. Interpersonal competence is a determinant of both personal and professional success.", "context": "Explaining why the Stanford Business School offered a course called 'Touchy Feely' in their core curriculum", "topic_id": "topic_3", "line_start": 73, "line_end": 74 }, { "id": "insight_2", "text": "Disclosure and vulnerability are reciprocal: if I hold my cards close, you will too. To deepen relationships, you must experiment with allowing yourself to be more known and see what happens.", "context": "Discussing the principle of progressive disclosure and reciprocal vulnerability", "topic_id": "topic_6", "line_start": 166, "line_end": 171 }, { "id": "insight_3", "text": "To learn and create deeper connection, you must step outside your comfort zone. The 15% Rule ensures you stretch without triggering the danger zone.", "context": "Explaining how to practice progressive disclosure safely", "topic_id": "topic_6", "line_start": 170, "line_end": 173 }, { "id": "insight_4", "text": "Leaders were socialized to leave feelings in the parking lot, but you cannot inspire or motivate anybody without feelings. Suppressing vulnerability makes you seem robotic, not authoritative.", "context": "Discussing why emotional expression is necessary in leadership", "topic_id": "topic_7", "line_start": 181, "line_end": 183 }, { "id": "insight_5", "text": "A leader who is willing to be appropriately vulnerable is a stronger leader. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's a form of power that builds trust and followership.", "context": "Contrarian view on leadership vulnerability", "topic_id": "topic_8", "line_start": 187, "line_end": 188 }, { "id": "insight_6", "text": "Feelings give meaning to facts. Without feelings, information is hollow. The same experience described with and without emotional context conveys completely different information.", "context": "Explaining why emotional vocabulary is essential to self-disclosure", "topic_id": "topic_9", "line_start": 200, "line_end": 202 }, { "id": "insight_7", "text": "Mental models are beliefs and assumptions we develop early in our careers that serve us initially but then over-serve us. Without new experiences, we never realize we're paying a cost for continuing to hold them.", "context": "Discussing how early career beliefs can become limiting", "topic_id": "topic_10", "line_start": 224, "line_end": 227 }, { "id": "insight_8", "text": "If you're doing something mildly irritating and the other person doesn't tell you, you'll keep doing it more. Small issues compound into large ones if left unaddressed.", "context": "Explaining the pinch-before-crunch principle", "topic_id": "topic_12", "line_start": 239, "line_end": 251 }, { "id": "insight_9", "text": "In any exchange between two people, there are three distinct realities: my intent, my behavior, and the impact on you. We're only privy to two of the three—we never know the full picture.", "context": "Introducing the Three Realities framework fundamental to feedback", "topic_id": "topic_13", "line_start": 262, "line_end": 267 }, { "id": "insight_10", "text": "It takes two to know one. You don't know what impact you're having on someone until they tell you. Asking this requires vulnerability, but it's essential.", "context": "Explaining why feedback is necessary for self-understanding", "topic_id": "topic_17", "line_start": 331, "line_end": 333 }, { "id": "insight_11", "text": "When someone reacts unexpectedly to feedback, the most powerful repair is: 'What did you hear me say?' Nine times out of ten, they heard something different than what you said.", "context": "Explaining the repair process when feedback triggers defensiveness", "topic_id": "topic_21", "line_start": 396, "line_end": 398 }, { "id": "insight_12", "text": "Attributions and imputed motives (I feel you don't care, I feel you're insensitive) are not feelings and guarantee defensiveness. Specific behavioral observations stay on your side of the net.", "context": "Explaining critical difference between feelings and labels", "topic_id": "topic_22", "line_start": 274, "line_end": 276 }, { "id": "insight_13", "text": "Anger is a secondary emotion. Underneath anger is usually fear or hurt. Anger is a distancing emotion; fear, hurt, sadness, loneliness are connecting emotions.", "context": "Explaining the emotional dynamics under surface expressions", "topic_id": "topic_10", "line_start": 209, "line_end": 213 }, { "id": "insight_14", "text": "Feedback builds relationships when the other person recognizes it comes from a place of care—that you took personal discomfort to tell them something for their benefit.", "context": "Explaining why giving feedback is an act of relationship building", "topic_id": "topic_18", "line_start": 370, "line_end": 371 }, { "id": "insight_15", "text": "True inquiry is a quest—searching without knowing what you'll find, not confirming hypotheses. You must suspend judgment to be truly curious.", "context": "Defining the practice of artful inquiry", "topic_id": "topic_19", "line_start": 376, "line_end": 378 }, { "id": "insight_16", "text": "Questions starting with 'why' make people defensive because they feel accused or scolded. Questions starting with what/when/where/how are productive because they feel like genuine curiosity.", "context": "Explaining the power of question choice in inquiry", "topic_id": "topic_19", "line_start": 380, "line_end": 381 }, { "id": "insight_17", "text": "Personality is innate and doesn't change, but behavior is something we all have control over. Add the word 'yet' to 'I'm not good at this' and you instantly update your mental model.", "context": "Explaining the difference between unchangeable personality and changeable behavior", "topic_id": "topic_20", "line_start": 386, "line_end": 390 }, { "id": "insight_18", "text": "A leader's job is not to have all the answers but to ensure the best answer is found, wherever it comes from. This allows better solutions to surface and prevents dependency.", "context": "Explaining why giving advice creates problems in leadership", "topic_id": "topic_24", "line_start": 433, "line_end": 441 }, { "id": "insight_19", "text": "When you always give advice, you enable powerlessness and stunt growth. When you help people figure it out through exploration, they develop independent judgment.", "context": "Contrasting the impact of advice versus collaborative problem-solving", "topic_id": "topic_25", "line_start": 451, "line_end": 453 }, { "id": "insight_20", "text": "All feedback is data and all feedback is positive. More data is always better than less data because it gives you information you need to understand impact.", "context": "Reframing feedback from good/bad to constructive/complimentary", "topic_id": "topic_23", "line_start": 353, "line_end": 354 }, { "id": "insight_21", "text": "Appropriate vulnerability requires context sensitivity: same disclosure inappropriate for VP addressing troops is appropriate for peer conversation. Consider power dynamics, audience, and permanence.", "context": "Explaining nuance and context-dependence of vulnerability", "topic_id": "topic_9", "line_start": 206, "line_end": 207 }, { "id": "insight_22", "text": "In the absence of data, people make things up. To have more control over your self-definition, disclose more so people don't have to fill in the blanks about who you are.", "context": "Explaining the power of proactive disclosure", "topic_id": "topic_30", "line_start": 528, "line_end": 531 }, { "id": "insight_23", "text": "The worst thing a leader can do is make an organization too dependent on them. A sustainable legacy requires distributing responsibility and developing others' capabilities.", "context": "Reflecting on Long COVID experience and applying leadership principles", "topic_id": "topic_30", "line_start": 524, "line_end": 524 }, { "id": "insight_24", "text": "You never know what's going on for someone else. It's easy to assume and create narratives, but the only way to understand is to stay curious and ask.", "context": "Lesson from Long COVID making Carole more empathetic", "topic_id": "topic_30", "line_start": 527, "line_end": 531 }, { "id": "insight_25", "text": "Acceptance is not resignation. It's an opportunity to rethink beliefs and reframe what's possible in a new context.", "context": "Explaining acceptance as active process of learning", "topic_id": "topic_30", "line_start": 524, "line_end": 525 }, { "id": "insight_26", "text": "Every behavior has a choice in front of it. Every choice has a belief behind it. To understand yourself and others, work backwards from results to behavior to choice to mental model.", "context": "Overarching framework for self-awareness", "topic_id": "topic_29", "line_start": 517, "line_end": 519 }, { "id": "insight_27", "text": "Relationships exist on a continuum. The same skills that move you from dysfunction to functional relationships can take you all the way to exceptional if you choose.", "context": "Explaining the scalability of interpersonal skills", "topic_id": "topic_2", "line_start": 59, "line_end": 62 }, { "id": "insight_28", "text": "Referent power—when people see you as a role model they want to emulate—is the most sustainable form of leadership power and influence.", "context": "Explaining why personal development matters more than formal authority", "topic_id": "topic_3", "line_start": 101, "line_end": 104 } ], "examples": [ { "id": "example_1", "explicit_text": "At my very first job in 1975, I went to work for the largest industrial automation company in the world as the first woman in a non-clerical job, a sales engineer.", "inferred_identity": "Carole Robin - largest industrial automation company (likely Westinghouse or similar major manufacturer of that era)", "confidence": 0.7, "tags": [ "Carole Robin", "industrial automation", "sales engineer", "1975", "first woman", "gender barrier", "career start" ], "lesson": "Early career experiences establish mental models about professionalism that can limit leadership effectiveness decades later if not questioned", "topic_id": "topic_8", "line_start": 188, "line_end": 189 }, { "id": "example_2", "explicit_text": "10 years later I'm at an off-site and I've been promoted many times, I'm now running a $50 million region. I got a little excited about my idea and got crickets. One of my guys leans in and says, 'Carole, is that like water in the corner of your eye? Oh my God, are you going to cry? Are you human after all?'", "inferred_identity": "Carole Robin - regional manager in industrial automation company", "confidence": 0.85, "tags": [ "Carole Robin", "leadership crisis", "vulnerability moment", "team recognition", "emotion at work", "$50 million region", "transformational moment" ], "lesson": "The moment a leader authentically shows emotion and vulnerability, teams recognize them as human and trust deepens dramatically. This was the day Carole became a real leader in her team's eyes.", "topic_id": "topic_8", "line_start": 191, "line_end": 195 }, { "id": "example_3", "explicit_text": "My husband comes home after a very long day in the valley. He was an executive. I've got two little kids, infant and a 2-year-old. I say 'Oh my God, you're home. I can't wait to tell you what happened tonight.' He reads the newspaper. I say 'You're not listening.' He says 'Yeah, you're all worked up.'", "inferred_identity": "Carole Robin and her husband (unnamed executive in Silicon Valley)", "confidence": 0.9, "tags": [ "Carole Robin", "marriage", "communication", "attribution error", "Three Realities", "Silicon Valley", "household conflict", "active listening" ], "lesson": "Demonstrates how people go over the net by attributing motives ('you don't care,' 'you're insensitive') rather than describing behavior, triggering defensiveness instead of understanding", "topic_id": "topic_14", "line_start": 269, "line_end": 276 }, { "id": "example_4", "explicit_text": "In my marital example, I eventually said: 'When I speak and I'm all worked up about something and the only thing I get back from you are either a grunt or an affectless repetition of what I just said, I don't feel heard. When I don't feel heard, I feel hurt and I feel distanced. My husband said: If you want my undivided attention, you've got to give me some time to unwind. We settled on 15 minutes.'", "inferred_identity": "Carole Robin and husband - resolved their communication issue through the feedback formula", "confidence": 0.9, "tags": [ "Carole Robin", "marriage resolution", "feedback formula", "compromise", "problem-solving", "15 minutes", "win-win outcome" ], "lesson": "When feedback is given properly staying on your side of the net, it moves into collaborative problem-solving rather than blame, and both people's needs get honored", "topic_id": "topic_15", "line_start": 275, "line_end": 279 }, { "id": "example_5", "explicit_text": "At the very first Leaders in Tech retreat, I had a former student who took Touchy Feely 15 years before. He said, based on everything I learned 15 years ago from Carole, I couldn't imagine what I would learn if I came back. But Carole, I will not sit around for four days talking about how we're all crushing it. I will leave.", "inferred_identity": "Unnamed former Stanford Touchy Feely student turned tech leader", "confidence": 0.6, "tags": [ "Leaders in Tech", "Stanford alumni", "Touchy Feely impact", "long-term behavior change", "authentic culture", "founder/leader", "high standards" ], "lesson": "The course's impact is so durable that students return years later and maintain commitment to authentic, vulnerable leadership culture rather than performative success narratives", "topic_id": "topic_9", "line_start": 203, "line_end": 204 }, { "id": "example_6", "explicit_text": "A former Leaders in Tech fellow sent me an email: I had my all-hands on Friday I found out we missed a major deadline. I spent the weekend furious. Then on Sunday I remembered that anger is often a secondary emotion and under anger is either fear or hurt. I realized I'm actually feeling scared that nobody is as worried about this as I am. On Monday instead of blasting them, I said, so gang, I am deeply worried and afraid I'm the only person as concerned about this missed deadline. I have never had my troops rally to fix something faster.", "inferred_identity": "Unnamed tech company leader/CEO in Leaders in Tech program", "confidence": 0.7, "tags": [ "Leaders in Tech", "CEO/founder", "deadline crisis", "anger management", "emotional honesty", "team mobilization", "fear-based leadership", "practical application" ], "lesson": "When leaders identify and express the real emotion under anger (fear, hurt) rather than projecting the secondary emotion, teams respond with greater commitment and effort", "topic_id": "topic_9", "line_start": 209, "line_end": 213 }, { "id": "example_7", "explicit_text": "I told the AFOG anecdote at a big workshop and a woman walked up afterward and said, 'I've never understood that my husband carries so much fear and so much hurt because he only ever leads with anger. It never even occurred to me something else might be going on.'", "inferred_identity": "Unnamed woman with husband who leads with anger", "confidence": 0.4, "tags": [ "marriage", "anger management", "secondary emotions", "relationship insight", "empathy development", "workshop participant" ], "lesson": "Understanding that anger masks fear and hurt shifts people from blame to compassion, transforming relationship dynamics", "topic_id": "topic_9", "line_start": 212, "line_end": 213 }, { "id": "example_8", "explicit_text": "I was teaching in a big lecture hall at the law school. A student was answering and I just glanced at my watch trying to figure out timing. He walked up after and said, 'Professor, I felt disrespected when you looked at your watch while I was answering.' I hugged him.", "inferred_identity": "Carole Robin teaching at law school; unnamed student", "confidence": 0.85, "tags": [ "Carole Robin", "law school", "teaching", "eye contact", "nonverbal communication", "student feedback", "vulnerability", "respect" ], "lesson": "Even small nonverbal behaviors have impact. Students need courage to give feedback. When they do, the response shapes the entire classroom culture.", "topic_id": "topic_17", "line_start": 332, "line_end": 336 }, { "id": "example_9", "explicit_text": "A manager walks into a meeting and says 'I want to make sure we hear from everybody' but when team members start speaking, he interrupts or turns to someone else. I tell him privately: 'When you interrupted me three times and didn't respond to my suggestions, I felt shut down and less inclined to offer up my opinion. I'm telling you because you said you want to hear from everybody and after a while you didn't accomplish that goal.'", "inferred_identity": "Unnamed manager and team member (constructed example from Carole's teaching)", "confidence": 0.5, "tags": [ "manager", "team dynamics", "listening", "interruption", "constructive feedback", "meeting dynamics", "stated values" ], "lesson": "Feedback about unintended impact on team dynamics is most effective when it shows gap between stated goals and actual behavior, delivered privately with emotional truth", "topic_id": "topic_17", "line_start": 359, "line_end": 366 }, { "id": "example_10", "explicit_text": "I come home and my husband is struggling. I say 'Can I help you with that?' He says 'Don't tell me what to do.' Instead of defending myself, I ask 'What did you hear me say?' He says 'I heard you say I didn't know what I was doing.' I say 'One of the ways I show someone I love them is I offer to help. What would you like me to do when I see you struggling?' He says 'Wait for me to ask.' That was 25 years ago and we've been married 39 years.", "inferred_identity": "Carole Robin and husband (long marriage in Silicon Valley, executive)", "confidence": 0.9, "tags": [ "Carole Robin", "marriage", "repair process", "reframing", "listening", "25 year behavior change", "problem-solving", "lasting impact" ], "lesson": "The repair question 'What did you hear me say?' reveals miscommunication and allows both people to understand intentions, then collaboratively find solution that honors both needs", "topic_id": "topic_21", "line_start": 396, "line_end": 401 }, { "id": "example_11", "explicit_text": "In Leaders in Tech with executives, I put them in trios and say, think of someone you'd like to give feedback to. Tell me the behavior, how it makes you feel, what's behind wanting to tell them, what's the desired outcome. Then I become you and you play your difficult person, and the third person observes for over-the-net moments.", "inferred_identity": "Carole Robin and Leaders in Tech participants (unnamed tech executives)", "confidence": 0.8, "tags": [ "Leaders in Tech", "executives", "role-play", "feedback practice", "behavioral specificity", "coaching", "safe learning" ], "lesson": "Role-play in a safe environment with feedback allows leaders to practice difficult conversations and learn from mistakes without damaging real relationships", "topic_id": "topic_23", "line_start": 416, "line_end": 422 }, { "id": "example_12", "explicit_text": "When someone in a trio says 'I feel that you don't care' or 'I feel like you're not committed,' the observer correctly identifies this as over-the-net. You can't say grammatically: I feel that sad or I feel like angry.", "inferred_identity": "Unnamed Leaders in Tech participants learning feedback formula", "confidence": 0.7, "tags": [ "Leaders in Tech", "feedback formula", "common mistakes", "grammatical test", "feelings vocabulary", "learning curve", "attribution errors" ], "lesson": "A simple grammatical test reveals when you've gone over the net: if you can't say 'I feel [feeling]' without 'that' or 'like', you're describing attributions not emotions", "topic_id": "topic_23", "line_start": 419, "line_end": 422 }, { "id": "example_13", "explicit_text": "Stanford Business School students reported that one class at GSB made them feel like their entire college tuition was worth it. Even more, 'I'm pretty sure your class just saved my marriage.'", "inferred_identity": "Multiple unnamed Stanford GSB alumni", "confidence": 0.8, "tags": [ "Stanford GSB", "Interpersonal Dynamics", "class impact", "marriage transformation", "relationship repair", "high ROI", "testimonials" ], "lesson": "The skills taught in this one course have outsized impact compared to other MBA coursework, producing measurable improvements in personal relationships and life outcomes", "topic_id": "topic_1", "line_start": 2, "line_end": 5 }, { "id": "example_14", "explicit_text": "I asked a pair of students, after their second conversation with more disclosure: was there a qualitative difference? They say, 'Oh my God, the first conversation is the conversation I have in the bar all the time with somebody. The second conversation was more uncomfortable, but I sure feel a lot more known and I think I know my partner a little bit more.'", "inferred_identity": "Unnamed Stanford Touchy Feely students", "confidence": 0.7, "tags": [ "Stanford", "T-groups", "pair exercises", "progressive disclosure", "relationship building", "discomfort growth", "connection quality" ], "lesson": "Vulnerability and disclosure create qualitatively different relationships than surface-level social interaction, with the tradeoff being some temporary discomfort", "topic_id": "topic_4", "line_start": 119, "line_end": 120 }, { "id": "example_15", "explicit_text": "Former students have sent emails: 'I just became a CEO, I'm pretty sure I owe it all to you.' 'I just raised my third round, I'm pretty sure I owe it all to you.' 'I just figured out how my co-founder and I navigate this difficult situation. Thank you.'", "inferred_identity": "Multiple unnamed Stanford GSB alumni, founders and CEOs", "confidence": 0.7, "tags": [ "Stanford alumni", "founder success", "CEO trajectory", "fundraising", "co-founder dynamics", "career acceleration", "relationship skills impact" ], "lesson": "Interpersonal competence directly correlates with professional advancement. The most successful alumni attribute their CEO status and fundraising success to relationship skills learned in this course.", "topic_id": "topic_3", "line_start": 74, "line_end": 77 }, { "id": "example_16", "explicit_text": "Lenny mentions this is like the Harvard Business Review concept of keeping monkeys off your back, where managers shouldn't take on their reports' problems.", "inferred_identity": "Lenny Rachitsky referencing HBR concept", "confidence": 0.85, "tags": [ "Harvard Business Review", "management principle", "delegation", "monkey on back", "empowerment", "work distribution" ], "lesson": "The principle of not solving others' problems for them is well-established in management literature. Carole's advice framework aligns with proven management science.", "topic_id": "topic_25", "line_start": 443, "line_end": 450 }, { "id": "example_17", "explicit_text": "Carole's book 'Connect' has a chapter about two guys who are good friends but one is always trying to give advice to the other, which can be annoying and creates power differential.", "inferred_identity": "Two unnamed male characters from 'Connect' book (illustrative example)", "confidence": 0.5, "tags": [ "Connect book", "male friendship", "advice dynamics", "power differential", "friendship dynamics", "unsolicited advice", "chapter example" ], "lesson": "Power differentials created by advice-giving show up in all relationships, not just professional ones, and damage closeness and equality in friendships", "topic_id": "topic_26", "line_start": 456, "line_end": 457 }, { "id": "example_18", "explicit_text": "At the very first day of Carole's job in the 1970s, she learned you leave all feelings in the parking lot. There's no place for vulnerability or feelings in the workplace.", "inferred_identity": "Carole Robin - industrial automation company culture", "confidence": 0.85, "tags": [ "Carole Robin", "1970s corporate culture", "emotional suppression", "masculinity norms", "unprofessionalism assumptions", "industrial era", "first woman" ], "lesson": "1970s corporate culture explicitly taught emotional suppression as professionalism, a mental model that Carole internalized and eventually had to unlearn", "topic_id": "topic_8", "line_start": 188, "line_end": 189 }, { "id": "example_19", "explicit_text": "Carole shared with Lenny that she has been dealing with Long COVID for almost two years. She's slowly given more responsibilities to team members and is stepping back from operational duties by end of year.", "inferred_identity": "Carole Robin", "confidence": 0.95, "tags": [ "Carole Robin", "Long COVID", "health crisis", "leadership transition", "succession planning", "organizational learning", "resilience" ], "lesson": "Long COVID forced Carole to practice the leadership principles she teaches—building an organization not dependent on her, distributing power, developing others' leadership", "topic_id": "topic_30", "line_start": 521, "line_end": 525 }, { "id": "example_20", "explicit_text": "Carole taught Interpersonal Dynamics for over 20 years at Stanford GSB and then started Leaders in Tech nonprofit in January 2018 to bring these lessons to tech leaders. Now also has 'Connect' book that distills the insights.", "inferred_identity": "Carole Robin (founder and leader)", "confidence": 0.95, "tags": [ "Carole Robin", "Stanford GSB", "20 years teaching", "Leaders in Tech", "nonprofit", "tech industry", "Connect book", "curriculum scaling" ], "lesson": "Carole has spent 40+ years building and scaling frameworks for interpersonal competence, creating multiple pathways (course, nonprofit program, book) for access", "topic_id": "topic_5", "line_start": 124, "line_end": 128 } ] }